Why feelings are NOT positive or negative
Value labels & judgements about emotions
Many of my clients tend to put value labels on emotions, describing them as either positive or negative. Emotions like joy and excitement fall under the category of positive emotions, while anger or anxiety are usually regarded as negative emotions. Labelling emotions in this way causes a big problem for people because there’s a tendency to judge those ‘negative’ feelings. We might start to think, “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “It’s silly to be so upset over something so trivial.”
Why does talking about positive or negative feelings cause a problem?
Many people (incorrectly!) think that feeling positive all of the time is our optimal state, and something we should strive toward. This is problematic for several reasons:
Life is full of challenges- we lose jobs, people we love die, relationships break up, people we love become ill. It’s normal to experience intense and uncomfortable feelings in response to these events.
Striving to always be positive poses the risk of toxic positivity (more on that here). While toxic positivity comes from a good place, it “can make people feel unsafe expressing their negativity, and negativity thrives in isolation”. So it has almost the exact opposite effect to what is intended.
When we think about feelings as ‘negative’, we try to ignore, or minimise, or suppress those feelings. But as Susan David points out, “Ignoring feelings only serves to amplify them.” Your brain will keep on reminding you that you need to do something about this feeling before it lets you file it away.
What’s a more helpful way to view my emotions?
View emotions as data (another great tip from Susan David’s research) is really helpful. Emotions give us important information about our world. They tell us what’s important to us, or when something important to us is under threat. When we look at our emotions as data, we start to think about the key information we need to know, rather than whether we should even be experiencing that feeling in the first place. Paying attention to our feelings and working through them also helps to process them, so we’re dealing with them in a constructive way.
Looking for help with your emotions?
My emotion cards are a great way to explore your current feelings, for children and adults too.
You can also contact me to find out more about my work and how I can help, whether you’re looking for individual coaching, group webinars or a keynote.